


1. Out of Milk

by sahiya



Series: Five Times the Doctor Really Did Not Understand Humans and One Time He Did [1]
Category: Doctor Who
Genre: Food, Friendship, Gen, The Doctor is an alien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-19
Updated: 2013-12-19
Packaged: 2018-01-05 05:14:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1090022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sahiya/pseuds/sahiya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor could not understand how they could be out of milk <i>again</i>, nor why they had to go to Earth to get it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out of Milk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lindenharp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lindenharp/gifts).



> Happy Holidays, Lindenharp!

The Doctor could not understand how they could be out of milk _again_ , nor why they had to go to Earth to get it. True, he and Rose both drank it in their tea, three or four times per TARDIS day cycle, and Jack liked a tall glass of it after a workout, but still, it seemed as though they were having to pop down to Earth every other day, just to pick some up. 

“You could try something else, you know,” the Doctor said, when Rose came to him with an empty milk carton for the third time in seven day cycles. “Lots of other things out there that look like milk, taste like milk -”

“They do _not_ ,” Rose replied, free hand on her hip. “And the milk the TARDIS comes up with doesn’t taste right either.” The Doctor scowled. “Don’t look at me that way, Doctor, you know it’s true.”

It was possible that the Type 40 TARDISes hadn’t been _quite_ cutting edge in certain areas, including food replication. Still, the Doctor wouldn’t hear a word against the old girl. “Seems silly to be having to pop round to Earth every couple of days. All of space and time, and we have to go out for milk.”

“Doctor -”

“We’re going to try something different,” the Doctor said, and set the coordinates. 

“What’s going on?” Jack asked, appeared in the console room with a towel slung over his shoulder. “Don’t tell me we’re out of milk again,” he added, taking in the empty carton. 

“Yes, and the Doctor won’t take us to get more, says we’re ‘trying something different.’” She didn’t make air quotes, but the Doctor heard them all the same. “Not sure what that means.”

What it _meant_ was, in fact, a trip to Bellacosa, a human satellite colony in the 45th century. Its relative placement to its sun meant that the climate ranged from temperate to tropical, and the terraforming it had undergone was top notch work. At first it was just an agricultural planet, growing food for surrounding colonies, but by the time the Doctor landed the TARDIS there, it had become the go-to planet for hard-to-find delicacies and outstanding culinary experiences. 

“But _milk_ , Doctor,” Rose said as they left the TARDIS and emerged into the bright sunlight and warmth of Bellacosa City at midday. “Do they have milk?”

“Pff, milk,” the Doctor said. “By the 45th century, the human race has branched out a little.”

“Come on, Doc,” Jack said. “Even the Boeshane Peninsula had cows. They weren’t quite like yours,” he added to Rose, “and the milk tasted different - to be honest, 21st century milk always tastes a little sour to me, like it’s about to go off. But there was a standard colonization starter kit, and it always included a small herd of either cows or goats for dairy.” 

“That’s nice,” Rose said impatiently. “So can we buy milk here or not?”

“Probably somewhere,” Jack said. “Doctor?”

“Yes, yes, but _later_ ,” the Doctor said. He turned and threw his arms open. “You two - we’re on Bellacosa at the height of its culinary glory, and all you want is to buy milk?”

“That’s not _all_ I want,” Rose said, “but I would like to buy milk before we leave, and I’d like it to look and taste like milk.”

The Doctor knew enough about Bellacosa not to make any promises. It’d be good for Rose, he thought, philosophically. Humans could be so Earth-centric in their thinking. He was sure she’d see it that way, too, once he explained it. 

Almost sure. 

They could’ve gone to one of the thousand fancy restaurants the capital had to offer, but the Doctor wasn’t in the mood. Instead he sent both humans off with ample credits to buy as much food from the street vendors as they could carry, while he scoped out a local park for a likely place for a picnic. Everywhere there were fruit trees, with signs encouraging people to pick and enjoy, and by the time they reconvened the Doctor had managed to collect at least a dozen different kinds. Some of them were variations on familiar Earth fruits, but more of them would be wholly unknown to Rose or Jack. Sadly, the capital city was not quite tropical enough for bananas. 

Jack and Rose returned laden down with grease-stained bags from the food trucks. Most of it was similar in concept, if not in taste, since street food was all designed to be eaten easily while walking: meat and veggies tucked into some sort of dough or dough-like pocket, smothered in sauce. Between the two of them, they’d picked up beef, lamb, goat, and chicken, and Jack had bought one thing that involved liver, a favorite of his childhood. Rose wrinkled her nose at it, and Jack shrugged. “More for me,” he said, and bit into it with apparent enjoyment. 

When they’d mostly demolished the street food, the Doctor started slicing up the fruit he’d picked. They happily shared an orange and a pear between the three of them, but then he reached for a spiky green fruit and Rose frowned. “Doctor, that looks poisonous.”

“It’s not,” the Doctor assured her and cut into it with Jack’s pocket knife. 

Rose leaned away. “It smells poisonous, too. Ugh, is it _meant_ to reek of sweaty feet?”

“Yep,” the Doctor said. “It’s spike fruit, very popular among humans of this time. That smell means it’s exactly ripe enough.”

“I don’t know,” Jack said, eyeing it with almost as much suspicion as Rose. “I think this might be an acquired taste, Doc.”

“Only way to acquire a taste is to try it,” the Doctor pointed out. “Here.” He offered a slice to Rose. 

Unfortunately, that was exactly the moment something exploded down the street. 

In the end, it wasn’t anything alien or even anything particularly interesting - just one desperate restaurateur attempting to sabotage his new competition - but the spike fruit got lost in the shuffle. Rose did not appear to mourn its loss. Neither did Jack. 

They manage to duck out of the grateful restaurant-owner’s offer to treat them to a meal on the house by promising to come back sometime soon when they hadn’t just stuffed themselves at a picnic. But when the man asked if there was anything else he could offer them in thanks, the Doctor saw Rose’s ears metaphorically perk up. 

“Do you have any milk?” she asked him. 

“Milk?” the poor bloke said blankly. 

“Yes, milk,” she said. “From a cow.”

“Of course I do,” he said. He ducked inside his walk-in refrigerator and emerged with three bags of milk. “Here you go.”

“One’s enough for us,” she said. 

“Are you sure? It’ll keep.”

“Well, all right, then,” she said, and accepted the other two bags as well. “Thank you.”

“No, thank _you_ ,” he said gratefully. “And please do come back for that meal soon. You won’t regret it, I promise!”

Satisfied with the day, the Doctor led the way back to the TARDIS. “You see, that was much better than having just stopping off on Earth,” he declared as he unlocked the TARDIS and headed up to the console. “Much more interesting, much more -”

“Blue,” Rose said flatly. 

The Doctor turned. She’d opened one of the bags and was peering in at it, a horrified expression on her face. “What’s that?” he asked, innocently. 

“The milk is blue,” she said, “and it smells like . . . flowers?”

“Ah, yes,” the Doctor said, and casually reached for the controls. “Genetic modifications, all the rage at the moment. I’m sure it’ll be delicious in your tea.”

“It’s blue, Doctor! Milk isn’t blue.”

“It is on Bellacosa,” the Doctor said, and threw the lever to take them into the vortex. 

Rose’s eyes narrowed. “You knew about this, didn’t you?”

“I . . .” Doctor’s lecture about being more open-minded and less Earth-centric suddenly evaporated. “I suspected,” he admitted at last. 

Rose shook her head and glared at him before heading off into the TARDIS. Jack crossed his arms over his chest and sighed. “You couldn’t have made this easy on yourself, could you, Doc?” he said, and followed her. 

_Humans_ , the Doctor thought grumpily. You try and broaden their horizons and all they want is white milk from a brown cow.


End file.
